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Humans are the Worst

Humans are terrible. I’m not generalizing or exaggerating when I say that every single one of us has terrible qualities that manifest in unexpected ways, often in our daily routines. The worst part is that we don’t even know we’re doing it, thus compounding the worstness. This is what separates humans from animals; it’s not the ability to love or think or create, it’s the frequency with which we misinterpret each other in situations where the desired outcome should be clear. Animals play or fight or mate and they all know the deal and play their respective roles. Humans are just not mentally or socially available enough to recognize another’s needs - when one wants to fight, the other one is trying to mate, when one wants to play, the other just really needs some alone time right now. 

Because you are blind to what you are actually like, here are the 3 classic signs of being the worst for you to continue to rationalize to yourself:

  1. You purposefully select a song on the playlist for which you know every single word, sigh or interlude where the voice kind of blends into a synthesizer or something you blow into. It will almost certainly be a song that the rest of the uncultured sloths around you haven’t heard before. You will know you’ve landed on a winner because you will read your audience with the precognition of a toddler. Good job letting your inner ambassador show through as you cut that country song mid-chorus and throw on one of Celine Dion’s obscure hits from her first French album. Now proceed to sing every. single. word. with a knowing look on your face that says “I know, I know it’s crazy how much I love this song and how much you don’t know it, I guess I am kind of underground, let me introduce it to you by singing over the artist aggressively.” While you are singing directly into the face of the person closest to you, you will know that he is not impressed that you can remember and repeat back someone else's words. You will know this because you hate the person who does this precise thing with that Biggie song no one ever knew - and yet you will carry on, because yes, anyone can learn that song if they try but you're singing in French - and you don’t even speak French! This is so cool and revealing of your quirky yet adorable personality. You will hate yourself but you won't stop because the high you get from listening to yourself impress yourself is totally worth it. 
  2. You hide a little bit in the elevator in the morning so you don’t have to make eye contact with the neighbor you are not holding the door for. You can’t explain it. You’re pretty sure you haven’t reserved this car for your private elevation pleasure but something tells you another one will come soon enough and besides, everyone can learn a little patience. Also, you really don’t want to navigate away from Daily Mail to the New Yorker because you keep forgetting to order that privacy screen. On the scale human decency, you have weighted 11 seconds of solitude higher than helping a brother out. Bravo, human!
  3. You pride yourself on being punctual - unless you could really use a few more minutes. You would never leave someone hanging, but you would also never deny yourself a windfall of extra time to get ready. You squeal a little when you read that group text from Maria that says "going to be more like 9." Now you can relax - you won't be the last and therefore worst to arrive! It's important you monitor Maria's coordinates as closely as possible to secure your position of not last. Keep sending “ETA?” texts over and over. "Estimated Time of Arrival?" "Everyone’s Telepathic Agility?" "Ebola Triggered Again?" just keep going. Then congrats, you’ve bought back time to experiment with filling in your eyebrows for the first time and you've made Maria look slightly less terrible. How human-hearted of you!

What's your worst worst quality? If you can't think of anything, know that it's everything.

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