The 15 Phases of Attending Your Significant Other’s Company Holiday Party
Holiday season is upon us, bringing tight pants and bank accounts to all. If you are in a relationship, chances are you will be invited to your SO's holiday party. This is cruel for many reasons, not the least of which is forcing you to interact with co-workers. No matter that they are not yours; all co-workers are terrible.
If this is your first SO holiday party season, here's a peek at what's in store for you. I've covered all 15 phases so there shouldn't be any surprises at the end of the night: just you on the couch with a Christmas ornament that did not break itself.
Note: I have not included self-loathing as its own phase because it overlaps with all 15 of the others.
Agonizing over an outfit that is sophisticated but laid back and says I clearly take care of myself but I also just woke up like this.
Drinking as much of the top-shelf alcohol as possible during the open bar to “loosen up.”
Close-talking the nearest person so that your SO sees how sociable and independent you are.
Shouting into your SO’s boss’s ear that in 2017 you'd have expected more gender-inclusive hired dancers, but otherwise, great party!
Observing your SO interacting with his co-workers, paying special attention to anyone semi-decent looking (i.e. anyone not wearing a Jason mask).
Deciding all non-Jason-mask-wearers are a threat.
Imagining your SO at work with the non-Jasons everyday, giggling over documents.
Becoming furious at your SO based on an invented scenario and bad intuition.
Storming out of the party and crying so forcibly that a nearby police officer thinks you might have been the victim or the perpetrator of a violent crime.
Refusing to get into the same cab.
Relenting, but then sitting in the front of the cab and asking the driver for tissues and a phone charger.
Changing the background of your phone from a picture of the two of you to “generic night sky."
Blocking your SO’s number so that he can’t call you from the other side of the train.
Dramatically taking your pillows to the couch, because you’ve kind of backed yourself into a corner at this point.
Waking up in a pile of pistachio shells with a dead phone you are too scared to turn on for fear of the outgoing text messages.