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Eenie, Meenie, Miney Moe...No Wait, That Feels Overwhelming. Just Eenie or Meenie

Eenie, Meenie, Miney Moe...No Wait, That Feels Overwhelming. Just Eenie or Meenie

By now you already know that humans are terrible. Not only are we crazy narcissists (yeah, talking to you who decided you needed a child made in your image) but we are intellectually lazy. So lazy that arguably the most important decision we have to make in life is not much more than "this one or that one". Our entire political system is reduced to A or B, him or her, red or blue. If we actually spent time questioning our own beliefs, their implications and how we want them to manifest in the world, well then it starts to seem highly suspect that we would all net out to just one of two options.

It is far easier to just pick a side with a template that's pre-filled out. You don't even need to agree with every position or policy. Do you actually like every single player on your favorite football team? Um, do I condone spousal abuse? (Certainly nor in my house!) But you do like the mascot and your parents liked that team so you sort of fell into liking them and voila - go team! It's nice to feel part of something: to feel like you can toss a coin, land on one side and have a giant group of people already there who share at least one thing in common with you. Now that I think about it, this is a great system.

So I have a proposal. Let's not stop at our governance system! Let's turn all of life's kicks in the pants into binary decisions! Because 50/50 feels like the odds are at least ever halfway in my favor.

1. Choosing a mate. Want one? Ok great, you passed level one. Now you can choose between the hot one that you eventually become mildly attracted to, or the not-so-hot one you are instantly mildly attracted to! Gone are the days of trying to memorize pop culture references in case the best friend of the one you are interested in quotes a movie you haven't actually seen. At this stage in my life, it's safe to say I'm never going to see There's Something About Mary.

2. Having children. Want one? Fine, just fill in the form and one will arrive in 9 months to 9 years depending on details you don't need to concern yourself with anymore. What could go wrong? If it were that hard, there wouldn't be so many teenagers doing it.

3. Sending said children to college. Don't waste your time and gas touring your kid across the country like el Chapo being moved between prisons. Just decide between Plunder College and Heist University and Johnny can choose his striped or solid dorm sheet package when he gets there!

4. Having sex. Two holes, two positions. Upper or lower. In or out. No need for laprobatics. 

5. Choosing a career. Soul or paycheck? Circle one, sit back and watch that bank account incrementally get bigger or more the same! Either way, you are getting what you asked for, so how could it be wrong?

6. Choosing where to live. Do you like weather or do you prefer inclement weather? Just pick one and Old Major Moving Company will take care of the rest.

7. Your will. Sooner or later we come to recognize our own mortality and start to panic about the future of the possessions we accumulated while in pursuit of number 5, option 2. Now you can either leave it to the government to "give" to your heirs or leave it to the government.

If this is starting to feel Animal-Farmy...then you probably did read Animal Farm and you should tell me about it some time. I retain the plots of books the way other leading brands' maxipads hold that blue fake period: lots of leakage.

Don't get me wrong, I would never suggest we blindly accept limitations on all of our choices, just the ones that could end in calamity. You can still spend hours, days, weeks even, agonizing over the shade of silver for the kitchen backsplash. You are not legally bound to that shade or required to tolerate it for four years, hell you can take it off the very next day, but that's your choice because it's your damn right to express yourself...or not.



Word of the Day

Word of the Day

How To Crush Being a Woman in the Workplace: 5 Simple Tips

How To Crush Being a Woman in the Workplace: 5 Simple Tips