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Morning Routine

Morning Routine

Everyone knows that a good morning routine is the foundation of life. CEOs usually have a Morning Routine Curation Staff on hand just for this purpose. For the rest of us peasants, it's less important what you do, just that you do it (or purport to do it) every day, no matter what. Your first mistake will be letting an act of God deter you from your morning plans. Tornado coming? Not until I've harvested the bacteria I've been growing on the roof for my homemade probiotics. You must obsessively compulsively but whimsically execute your morning routine each and every day, otherwise you cannot achieve the desired effect of being someone with a morning routine.

To help you curate your very own ritual, here are some tips.

Wake Up Call: Wake up either very early (between 3:30 a.m. and 5:00 a.m.) or be someone who knows time is just a figment of human cognition created to try to control the uncontrollable universe and start your day at noon.

Reflection/Suffocation: Do some form of not moving. Meditation is the obvious choice, but there are so many other more creative ways to sit still and do nothing. To stay down to earth and remind myself that I am but an ostrich without wings, I bury my head in my bed (made of 100% natural soil) for several seconds and focus on not breathing.

Hydrate Your Life: Drink something that would not sound potable in any other context. Some options include: unfiltered rain water, locally sourced pond algae, upcycled bath water or juiced charcoal - double points if it's fresh from your Weber 22 inch garden.

Fuel Your Body: If you are very thin, it's important that you tell everyone about the lard pancakes you eat each morning with your kids where you substitute confectioner's sugar for flour. If you are a normal shaped human, if you're not eating something steel cut, hulled, cold pressed or otherwise artificially manipulated in an organic sounding way, pick something else.

Caffeine Machine: You must either flaunt your addiction to coffee or condemn it completely and sing the praises of how drinking only the purest tea leaves harvested from Mesopotamia has completely healed you. If you do drink coffee, have a very specific way that you like it made such that you can be sure that you can only get it inside your home or in one particular coffee shop in an unexpected neighborhood.  Next time you are in an Italian cafe and the 85 year old barista starts on your espresso, kindly ask him if the water is conflict free, if he can do a triple axel pour over and if the beans have been massaged for 7 minutes prior to grinding. Bring your own nut milk bag in case he doesn't have one on hand. Don't mistake how impressed he is that you know yourself so well with confusion or profound confusion. 

Ok, Now Move: Choose an exercise routine that was intended for a very specific situation that you will never find yourself in, like staying alive in a war zone, being a professional tire flipper or training for the Head of the Charles Regatta. 

As I am writing this. as I do every morning, I am washing down my hand-counted uppers with my own sustainable saliva.

Have a great morning!

 

Vanity Plates

Vanity Plates

R.S.V.P.

R.S.V.P.