How to Spot a Woman Who Has it All, in Her Purse
If there is any objective measure of success for a woman, it must be the moment she is interviewed about the contents of her bag. The day Marie Claire asks me about the objects I attach to my body in a sling everyday, I will know I've achieved the real American dream of being the object of someone's social voyeurism.
I'll admit it, I'm a sucker for a good "intimate portrait of a person piece," which is why the "Sunday Routine" in the New York Times remains one of my favorite news sources and I discard most of the weekend WSJ, save the "Off-Duty" section. I do want to know about Bethenny Frankel's childhood bedroom and I do think therein might be the secret to her success.
What could be more revealing of a woman's psyche than the carefully curated contents of her bag on the day she is being interviewed about the contents of her bag? Frankly, I don't want to see the version of Sienna Miller's bag on a random Tuesday, when she's got a half opened tampon floating around that she thinks could give her TSS, but she really doesn't want to throw it away because what if she's stuck on a movie set with a bunch of men and there are no feminine products around, wouldn't that be worse than getting TSS anyway? I don't want to see that bag. I want her bag of success with tampons hidden in the false bottom. I want the one with the placenta face mask to wear while doing kegels while standing in line at Barnes & Noble.
I'll be ready when my day comes. The bag I wear today, with three cap-less pens, a charger for a phone I've never owned and loose pills that make me sound like a bag of jelly beans - that's just my burner bag.
So here is what will definitely be in my bag, and why, when my life looks more like Gwyneth Paltrow's pantry, and less like a food pantry.
1. The classic bag of nuts to snack on when I'm hungry - or for when I'm trying not to be hungry. At a restaurant, I order nothing and dump a few onto my plate. Then, I play a game where I'm only allowed to eat the ones I can pick up with my fork.
2. A compact petri dish of homegrown live bacteria that may or may not be probiotics.
3. Thank you cards. It takes just one unexpected thank you card to be branded "the type of person that sends thank you cards," which is the highest form of human you can be. A close second is the type of person who intends to send thank you cards, and carries them everywhere for that reason.
4. Make up only tested on animals who didn't not give their bodies to science.
5. A bungee cord. No suburban garage in the 90s or woman with a bag should be without. The fact that I've never actually bunjeed anything only increases the odds that I will bungee things more often in the second quartile of my life than the first. Also, according to all parents everywhere, these are very dangerous. One more bungee cord in my bag means one less on the streets for kids to gauge their eyes out with.
6. A Qua'ran, because when ISIS comes around, I'm not trying to die.