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Childhood Stars: Millennials Edition

Childhood Stars: Millennials Edition

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Millennials get a bad rap these days, largely by old crones who don’t understand how complicated it was to grow up watching your whole life play out before you in a game of Frogger. They say we’re lazy and self-centered, when, in fact, we were the original overachievers. We achieved so hard in our younger years that, frankly, we’re burnt out. So the next time you hear your probably-old-enough-to-rent-a-car-aged coworker sigh and say “Man, I need a vacation,” you should keep in mind the following:

1. We took so many classes in high school with so much reading material that it required medical intervention. We had doctors' notes mandating teachers to provide us with two sets of textbooks, one for school and one for home, lest we risk lumbering across the graduation stage, crippled by scoliosis. Yes, our bones seemed oddly delicate, but our minds were strong. (It is worth noting that high fructose corn syrup was still a fountain drink during the 90s.) I can say with confidence that our back problems ushered in the laptop-in-the-classroom phenomenon, and while I don’t want to take credit for revolutionizing technology in education, you leave us no choice.

2. We invented the "collector's edition" resume format, leaving no responsibility, experience, membership or tangential connection to something important sounding go un-commemorated. We were involved in so many clubs that we had free reign to create (so long as we recruited at least five members) that we mailed our resumes out in scroll tubes. Founder of the first Young Feminists for Arbor Day Chapter, right here.

3. We played varsity sports when we were in 8th grade. We were such supreme athletes that our parents were often behooved to sue our school districts to, once and for all, let us leave our less gifted peers behind to play less gifted sports. Talent speaks for itself (unless it has an advocate who can speak for it, louder).

4. We bravely chose fields of study that were not "Learning to Code" because nobody told us that everything else would be a waste of time (if getting a job was the objective). We followed our dreams right back into the basement, where we strengthen the role of the nuclear family in society with our presence year after year.

So thanks, Mom and Dad, for creating the medium-willed soft-boned English major who seeks to collect trophies first and earn them later. Looking forward to your health insurance policy!

Note: I've used the royal “we” here to impart a conspiratorial tone, but I identify more as a belated Gen X’er.

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