pink-hair-selfie-bun.jpg

Hi.

Stick around and I guarantee you will still be here

Being Disgruntled: 101

Being Disgruntled: 101

S

Nobody likes a disgruntled employee, not even the employee himself or he wouldn’t be so disgruntled in the first place. And it's not like Wayne likes complaining constantly about the boss's unreasonable demands, but he's got to get ahead of this thing lest everyone think it has something to do with his own incompetence, which, to his credit, he has hidden behind such potentially intelligent meeting interjections as "Will this scale?" and "Have you considered alternatives?" 

Inevitably, most of us will arrive at a point where we feel under appreciated and resentful. This feeling might last one meeting, a few days or 10 years and there's very little you can do other than ride it out or quit, and quitting is for people with trust funds! And those people have never felt under appreciated because the world is their goddamned indebted oyster, not yours. The rest of us need some way, some small way to take back power, to stick it to the (wo)man! (Look how optimistic that was, that we could shift our collective consciousness to think of broad oppressive powers as female! We can dream!) Here are a few passive aggressive and completely untested ways you might be able to reclaim some dignity.

  1. Take all of the tampons. Walk with confidence like you always bring your tote bag to the bathroom and just fist them in there, even on days when you don’t have your period, especially on days you don’t have your period. And especially when you are a man.

  2. Save things in elaborate folder structures. Chances are you are the type of person who has already done this anyway, inadvertently. G:\Team\Management\Projects\Organizational Structure\Administration\Version 1\Archives\Team 2\Management 2… and so on.  Being the only person that can locate an outdated project plan isn’t job security, but it is really fucking annoying for everyone else. For the hardcore irritated, just use Essie nail polish names - g:\Flowerista\Go Go Geisha\Jelly Apple.

  3. Chew all of the pen caps. Your dental health will suffer, but then so will the guy who always makes himself very comfortable at your desk every time you get up for more tampons.

  4. Always take just half of a banana from the break room. Leave the other half balanced on top of the banana bowl and walk away. Let the next hungry dummy go in there and deal with your partially oxidized stump. You were just trying not to be wasteful, and to be really annoying.

  5. Make sweeping statements about your personal views that are in complete conflict with everything you do for work: “I just don’t believe in computers.”

  6. Submit < $5 expense reports. I mean you could just eat the cost? Sure. But it’s the principle…

  7. Constantly talk about manager/maker schedules. “I can’t meet now, this is maker time.” “My maker time keeps getting scheduled over!” “Managers don’t understand how makers work.” “I’m going to maker cupcakes for Joe’s birthday.” No one has any idea how this is a thing, but no one wants to look like the weakest woke link or read that book about it, so carry on.

  8. Stop flushing the toilet. If management can’t get its shit together, why should you bother with yours? This will require getting over office bathroom stage fright. It always helps to visualize your boss in her underwear, wearing headphones, a gas mask, and also taking a giant shit.

 

How to Prepare for a Century (A Bike Ride--What Do You Think I Am, a Soothsayer?)

How to Prepare for a Century (A Bike Ride--What Do You Think I Am, a Soothsayer?)

Friends Don't Let Friends Get Avocado Hand

Friends Don't Let Friends Get Avocado Hand