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Job Posting: Philosophreneur

Job Posting: Philosophreneur

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A profit-making establishment that might have loads of untapped potential is seeking a self-made Philosophreneur to take them to the top!

Summary: Our company prides itself in delivering quality meals to restaurant patrons. Even though we’ve been doing it for 30 years, there's a real possibility you see something we don’t! Like we can’t see the paella for the rice, or something…

Have you ever walked into a business and, within minutes, identified 5 to 12 things you would change immediately if you were the owner? Perhaps it’s the layout of a store, the style of the menu at a restaurant or even the type of food served. It might be the entire business model that’s just not working for you.

Do you sigh and comment to your fellow diners that you "can't believe they didn't bring appetizer plates" and when they finally do, are you incensed by the insincerity of their apology?

Do you marvel at the ineptitude of store managers who struggle to authorize returns for used products without receipts?

Do you present all customer service grievances with the noble resolve of an indigent defense lawyer? 

If you often think to yourself "If I were the owner, I'd be so pissed!" well guess what, we are so pissed! If this sounds like you, then you might just be the self-made business logician we need to snatch up before The Profit does!

We’re looking for someone smart, savvy and above all, arrogant. We need who can really get inside the head of the average uneducated consumer. While our primary industry is restaurants, who knows what we might be able to do if we team up with you and your beautiful mind. A new food fusion idea, you say? Chinese-Tibetan tapas? Tear it all down and start over? We want to know what your gut tells you, without any industry knowledge sterilizing your opinions.

Responsibilities:

  • Build fraught relationships with restaurant and retail managers
  • Review, dismember and critique all proposed business plans
  • Produce 10 to 20 of your own straw man business plans each week and pitch them to executives as guaranteed successes

Requirements:

  • 5+ years of dining experience
  • Fearlessness and willingness to criticize any industry, regardless of personal experience
  • Detached empathy (the kind that helps you torture a victim: not the emotional kind)
  • Broad range of condescending voice tones in your arsenal
  • Thought leader in the Yelp community
  • Dextrous with Open Table
  • 1-2 years of “food-gramming” on social media preferred

Note: Letters of recommendation will be reviewed with the understanding that you shouldn't have any.

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